Category Archives: Article

The NFL is here and it’s gloriously fucked up already

There’s just something about the NFL. Something about setting aside three hours of your time for two hours of commercials followed by an hour’s worth of actual play chronically interrupted by referees rendered helpless now that they cannot properly decide what genuinely constitutes a catch (a sad fact that even needs to be debated in the first place). The NFL semi-officially kicks off with the Hall of Fame week, where we have the inagural game that doesn’t mean anything, a bout between the Dallas Cowboys and Arizona Cardinal’s B-squads.

Granted, I know we’re talking about pre-season here but boy, shitty things have happened already. I’m not even going to touch the offseason stuff, I’m talking about since the doors opened for business.

  • Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill is, at least as of now, out for the season thanks to an already damaged ACL now a totally being damaged ACL. Tannehill is seeking a second opinion and the team refuses to say he’s totally done. However injuries like this rarely end well, so it’s fair to say Tannehill is off the table.

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  • Things are somewhat dysfunctional within the Seattle Seahawks camp, with pass-rusher Frank Clark instigating a fight with offensive lineman Germain Ifedi. According to sports reporter Gregg Bell via Twitter,

You’re likely either excited these guys are so eager to get violent with each other so soon, or your disappointed they’re eager to get violent with each other so soon.

  • Speaking of Cowboys, the first NFL pre-season game wrapped up with a 20-18 victory over the Arizona Cardinals. Dallas backup QBs Kellen Moore and Cooper Rush both logged touchdowns, with receptions by TE Rico Gathers and WR Uzoma Nwachukwu.
  • New York Jets owner Woody Johnson has been named U.S. ambassador to the U.K., who will most assuredly attempted to push more sub-par North American football teams (coughJetscough) onto unsuspecting Britons. You poor bastards.

TV Theatre – The Belko Experiment

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To put it in its most simplest terms, The Belko Experiment is a film about violence for the sake of violence. It will probably share a similar audience to the likes of Saw or any slasher that gives the filmmaker an excuse to show over an hour’s worth of gore non-stop. The set up is an international group of people put together in a bizarrely nice building in the middle of nowhere Columbia.

They all work happy corporate lives until one day a voice on the intercom tells them they have to start killing people or they will die at random. Who these people are, the cast, the antagonists, whomever it’s all irrelevant. People have to die when the voice says, so sayith the voice.

In fact, there is little plot here anyway to make these characters relevant. Not that the film is concerned with it. No, the prime focus is to get you sitting on the edge of your seat ruminating how the next sucker is going to die a shitty death. Because that’s why you came to see this movie: stupid people dying shitty deaths.

This movie probably will share a lot of similarities to the 2000 classic Battle Royale, but unlike Royale, The Belko Experiment invests no serious time on its cast and spends more keeping the body count going as fluidly as possible. Which is cool if that’s what you were expecting coming into this movie like I was.

To that end, the violence is pretty amusing and even at times somewhat thrilling, even if everyone is moving at a very by-the-numbers pace. At no point are you going to be genuinely surprised by anything. The movie sometimes tries to pull at emotional strings that just aren’t there. Instead, it’s at its best when it stops trying to talk and just lets the rage fly.

At the end of the day, if your thirst is for a horror movie more concerned with being grossly violent than genuinely scary, then yeah, The Belko Experiment can help with that. In fact, for just that purpose it’s pretty good. Just maintain that level of expectation and everything’ll be alright. Maybe just maybe don’t eat spaghetti or something with tomato pasta. Or do, if you’re sense of humor is that morbid. Again, this movie would probably be for you.

Just like this little review, the movie ends somewhat abruptly leaving you with the feeling they want to build a fuck load of sequels to this because Saw did it. If nothing else, it looked like this movie was a lot of fun to make for the actors.

Preview – Agony (PC, PS4, XOne)

The product of Kickstarter, developed by MadMind Studio and to be published by PlayWay, it’s clear from the onset this is an indie project. Once you fire up the trailer, though, that thought immediately goes out the window.

Like, what the fuck was that? Look, if that didn’t rustle your jimmies then I don’t know what the hell your problem is. Get it? Hell? Oh shit, I can do this all day.

What stands out most about Agony is how horribly good it looks. It’s showing off the beautiful (maybe grotesque in this case?) shine the new-ish Unreal 4 engine possesses.

Played in first-person, so far the concept is navigating puzzles while occasionally possessing demons to keep eventually find a way free from this. The trailers have painted Agony in similar ranks to Outlast, which is fine company to be in.

Currently there is no release date for the game outside of a vague Q4 2017 listing. Regardless, this one is worth keeping on your radar. Or if nothing else, now is a good time to get those much needed upgrades to make games like this really pop. This is probably also not a good game for people who do psychedelics. Just saying.

Like seriously, what the fuck?

Game of Thrones Station: The Queen’s Justice

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As per the usual there’s a lot to unpack, especially tonight, so let’s just dive right into this filthy beast. This one is going to be a long one, grab a drink.

Tonight’s episode opened once again on Dragonstone, as Jon Snow touches down on its shores with Davos alongside. Awaiting is a troop of Dothraki with Tyrion and diplomat Missandei in tow. The uneasy greeting is made easier once Jon and Tyrion pick up conversation, however quickly become uneasy again once the Dothraki take Jon’s boat and weapons (provided voluntarily).

Varys sees Melisandre hiding among the cliffs watching Jon Snow arrive. Without a second’s hesitation, he begins prodding at her intentions. If it was so important for Jon Snow to meet Daenerys, then why wouldn’t she be present during his arrival? She confesses bad history with both Jon and Davos, and that her presence would cause more problems. Varys warns Melisandre she should leave and never return, however she makes a veiled threat both her and Varys are destined to die in Westeros. Varys is rightfully troubled by the shit she’s saying.

Jon and Daenerys finally meet face to face, though it would be a mostly awkward experience for Snow. While Missandei lists Daenerys many titles, Jon and Davos are awestruck as what to do. Awkwardly, Jon looks to Davos to say something. Davos can only utter out, “This is Jon Snow. He’s King in the North.”

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Daenerys immediately questions Jon’s claim as king, saying he’s only a lord until he bends the knee to his true queen. She cites ancient agreement to which the Starks owe loyalty to House Targaryen. Jon Snow refuses to bend the knee, but instead pleads there isn’t time to debate. The Night King is on the march and there will be no world to rule if the Night King wins.

Daenerys stands firm, feeling disrespected by the albeit too blunt Jon Snow. She refuses to give him assistance until he bends the knee, and Snow refuses. Davos attempts to plead to Tyrion the seriousness of the situation and how much Jon has personally sacrificed to fight the threat, including taking a knife to the heart. This particularly catches Daenerys attention, though Jon side eyes Davos to stop talking further on it.

The meeting concludes poorly, with both sides clearly standing firm on their beliefs. She warns that if Jon refuses to bend the knee and continues to be called King in the North, she considers it an open act of rebellion against her. Jon immediately finds himself in a dangerous situation, trapped within Dragonstone’s halls. In the nick of time, Varys arrives with grave news. This shakes Daenerys to where she immediately concludes the meeting, saying he is a guest of the island for the time being, though Jon knows he cannot leave. He asks if he is a prisoner, to which she replies, “Not yet.”

Varys informs Daenerys of Ellaria Sands’ and Yara’s capture and the destruction of her fleets. She asks if all of them have been captured, to which we cut to Theon being fished out of the sea by a loyalist ship. The sight of Theon upsets the men, asking him what has happened. Theon tells them Yara is dead and that he tried to save her. The lead soldier is disgusted, replies why is he still alive if he tried? Theon can only look down defeated because Theon is this program’s Jerry (little reference for ya).

Meanwhile, Euron Greyjoy parades Ellaria, her daughter and Yara through the streets of King’s Landing. The crowd is cheering his successful campaign and he can’t help himself but bear a shit-eating grin, mocking Yara of Theon’s cowardice. He marches them into Cersei’s throne room, where Ellaria is thrown to her knees before Cersei and The Mountain. Euron gloats of his capture, pushing further his desire to wed Cersei. She says he will have what he wants, once the war has been won. Jaime is obvious upset by this.

Euron takes the time to mock Jaime in front of cheering crowds to his ear, poking how he is going to have Cersei. He prods far enough to where Jaime wants to outburst but silences him, reminding him of where they are. Euron leaves smiling with Yara in tow. Ellaria and her daughter are thrown into a dungeon to await their fate.

Which didn’t take long, because the next scene is Cersei playing with Ellaria like a cat playing with a dead bird. Cersei is saving every second of this scene, pondering out loud the many ways she’s dreamed of killing her. Instead, she opts for the most sadistic option she could think of: kissing her daughter with the same poison used by Ellaria on Cersei’s daughter. She realizes mid-kiss what she’s done and squirms in her chains. Her smarmy number two, Qyburn, gives her the antidote to the poison, sealing Ellaria’s worst fears as to what’s happened. Cersei tells Ellaria she is going to ensure she stays alive to watch her daughter die her slow horrible death. She walks out very satisfied.

This gets Cersei extremely riled up, because in the very next scene she is banging the shit out of Jaime, who initially wasn’t having it after being upset over Euron, but she very quickly changes his mind. She also makes their affair public again by allowing a chambermaid to outright see them together. Jaime chuckles, but seems conflicted by this.

She receives news she has been visited by a representative of the Iron Bankers, the same organization that bankrolled Tywin Lannister’s wars. He has come to collect on Tywin’s debt though he offers something else. He offers to fund Cersei’s war against her enemies. Knowing there’s no alternatives, she asserts their investment in her will be well placed. She now has the gold required to fund her war against pretty much everyone.

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We return to Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Jon talk privately. Jon is frustrated over the day’s events, however Tyrion isn’t willing to let this potential partnership fall apart just yet. He convinces Jon to make a more reasonable request, since “Give me an army to fight zombies you’ve never seen before, I swear it’s true” doesn’t quite ring with much confidence. Jon heeds his advice and instead asks for just the dragonglass.

Tyrion next approaches Daenerys to make the arrangement solid, and convince Daenerys that an alliance with Jon Snow would be valuable. Daenerys is still puzzled by Davos’ comment on Jon taking a dagger to the heart comment, though Tyrion brushes it aside as Northern imagination. She appears unconvinced. Jon and Daenerys meet privately, and this engagement goes more fruitfully. Daenerys is convinced of Jon’s intentions and agrees to allow him to mine the glass. Jon asks if she believes him about the Night King, to which she replies “You’d better get to work Jon Snow.”

The next scene returns to Sansa at Winterfell, where she is acting lord of the keep in Jon’s absence. Littlefinger walks amongst her inner circle helping her manage the day to day operations of the keep. Littlefinger comments how command suits Sansa, though she quickly replies to any of his comments with barbed quips, and probably rightfully so. Except today Littlefinger drops knowledge on Sansa, telling her his secret to strategy. How he fights every battle against everyone, be it friend or foe, in his head. And that is how Sansa will keep alive, that she will need to outwit her opponents at all times. Sansa is at a loss for words at the advice.

However the moment is interrupted by the arrival of Bran to Winterfell. It is the first meeting of Sansa and Bran since season one. Sansa is moved to tears while Bran is emotionless. Sansa reminds Bran he is the last living heir to Ned, meaning he is now the keep’s true lord. Bran refuses, saying he cannot as he must be the three eyed-raven. Something he cannot explain to Sansa, except by giving her descriptions of her wedding night he never saw. This severely bothered Sansa, who leaves their reunion early, quietly in tears.

The next scene follows up Samwell’s attempts to cure Jorah Mormont via surgery. He manages to successfuly peel every bit of greyscale off with precision, curing Jorah of the affliction. He is freed from the Citadel, where he says he will return to Daenerys. The two shake hands and part ways. Following, Samwell is slightly chewed out by his superior but was given a commendation for doing a damn fine job. However he is also then punished for his recklessness.

Daenerys humors the idea of flying in by herself with her three dragons and exacting immediate revenge against Euron and his fleet. They are also awaiting news from their campaign against Casterly Rock, which the Unsullied are currently en route to invade. Grey Worm heads the attack, managing to sneak into the island and mount an offense despite suffering losses. Tyrion knew a secret entrance to the keep which would allow for a sneak attack, which succeeded.

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However Grey Worm realizes at the conclusion of the invasion that keep fell too easily. In that moment he reailizes it was a trap, and the Unsullied are now surrounded by fleets of Euron’s navy, trapping them on the island. Grey Worm realizes this all too late, and can only watch his ships burn from Casterly Rock. The bulk of the Lannister force was sent to invade the Tyrell’s lands (with a familiar face, it’s Bronn) to kill Olenna Tyrell. Her keep is taken effortlessly and she is confronted by Jaime.

Jaime has words with Olenna, of whom warns he is blind to Cersei’s madness. Jaime confesses he truly does love her and won’t betray her. He says he’s convinced Cersei not to execute her barbarically but instead offers her a different choice: to voluntarily poison herself. Without hesitation, Olenna drinks the poison and tells Jaime how saddened she was to see Joffery die viciously. In that moment she reveals to Jaime it was Olenna who killed Joffery, and let Cersei think Tyrion did it. Olenna, smiling, tells Jaime to send a message to Cersei: “Tell her I did it.” Like that, Olenna went out like a G. Jaime is horrified and quickly leaves probably to tell Cersei.

Drop.the.fucking.mic.

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UFC 214: The Fallout

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Taken as a whole, I want to say, “Holy shit what a fantastic card!” but that wouldn’t be entirely true. To be sure, there were some low moments, perhaps none more lower than Tyron Woodley’s title defense, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Let’s take this a step at a time. I’m just going to cover the main card.

Match #1 Jimi Manuwa vs. Volkan Oedemir(w) LHW

Jimi Manuwa has made a name for himself knocking people out. Until he started getting knocked out. Newcomer Volkan Oedemir straight knocked Manuwa out within 42 seconds of the first round. Oedemir has now entered the UFC’s radar. Manuwa might be on an undercard next year or something.

Match #2 Donald Cerrone vs Robbie Lawler(w) WELT

Immediately began with Lawler charging at Cerrone and delivering an onslaught of punches, where the only reasonable response was a flurry of his own. The first round was a tug of war over momentum, with both men absolutely laying into each other. Lawler wanting to take Cerrone off his game and just overwhelm him from the onset.

The second round was much slower, though no less vicious. Cerrone attempted to keep Lawler at bay with leg strikes, though Lawler began pressing the fight harder. Cerrone, for his part, kept Lawler at bay by throwing fast combos in response. The third round saw Lawler seemingly waking up and going on the offensive against Cerrone, kicking him in the stomach. This seemed to stunt Cerrone, who afterward became much more cautious. Cerrone kept counter attacking, but ultimately the judges viewed Lawler as the unanimous victor.

This fight easily needed two more rounds, it had all the makings of a title fight, though it very likely carries with it potential title implications in the future. Though probably not the immediate future UFC brass hoping Georges St. Pierre agrees to fight Woodley (very likely with title implications).

Match #3 Cris Cyborg(w) vs Tonya Evinger Featherweight Title

Truth be told, people outside Evinger’s training camp probably didn’t think much was going to be made of this fight. After all, Evinger took the fight on short notice and went up a weight class to fight Cyborg at her best form.

Evinger did an excellent job of evading Cyborg’s power strikes while eating some lesser, though still stinging shots. The game plan seemed to be something out of Rocky, where she would hope to simply tire out the champion then make her moves. After all, she was most certainly not going to out speed or out strike Cyborg in a straight boxing fight. It would’ve been suicide.

This all lasted until the second round where Cyborg managed to wrestle Evinger into the cage then delivered a devastating knee strike right to her face. This sealed her fate and the fight, as she crumpled and Cyborg did what she has mostly done: deal punishing strikes. Fight was ruled a KO. Cyborg becomes arguably the women’s featherweight division’s first legitimate champion.

Throughout the fight I wanted to root for Evinger, who was doing her damndest to evade Cyborg’s very nasty punches. Cyborg clearly saw her as the lesser opponent though, many of her punches carried with it very bad intentions.

Match #4 Tyron Woodley(w) vs. Demian Maia (Welterweight Title)

The stinker of the night, unfortunately. Maia pressed the fight for much of it, while Woodley largely countered sparingly, but accurately. And the punches that were accurate gave Maia a very battered face, as he was visibly damaged by the fight’s conclusion. It was 25 minutes of frustration, knowing that it should be a tactical battle but instead was the type of fight no one’s going to want to re-watch.

Match #5 Jon Jones(w) vs. Daniel Cormier (Light Heavyweight title)

An intense match from start to finish, it absolutely did not disappoint. The fight lasted into the third round at the 1:57 mark. It began with Cormier relentlessly pursuing Jones, though Jones was able to use his length to force Cormier to miss most of his strikes. He was able to make some significant strikes to Jones, forcing him to play a bit conservatively. Very early on Cormier managed to punch Jones’ mouth piece out. Later in the round, Cormier and Jones butt heads causing Cormier to get a cut on his head. The referee ruled the incident an accident.

The second round saw Cormier become more confident, with Jones throwing strikes to Cormier’s head, but Cormier evading the punches, saying “Nope,” and shaking his head. Jones looked to be struggling at times, though he always managed to stay fast and elusive.

However in the third round, Jones began launching strong leg strikes that saw Cormier quickly lose his balance. Jones continued delivering fast strikes, not allowing Cormier a second to orient himself. This caused Cormier to fall to the mat near the cage, where Jones immediately descended and relentlessly beat Cormier into submission. The ref pulled Jones away and Cormier stumbled to his feet, clearly not all there.

The post fight was a surprisingly emotional scene for all parties involved. Cormier initially stormed out of the octagon, seen mumbling and teary eyed (given he was beaten pretty brutally that was understandable). Jones, who has been shit talking Cormier for a LONG time, instead was humble in victory and shout out Cormier for being his greatest rival.

Cormier, now outright crying, is attempting to compose himself while Jones took a second to challenge Brock Lesnar. Once Jones left, Joe Rogan very uncomfortably interviews a very visibly broken Cormier. Where Cormier goes from here is anyone’s guess, but Jones’ future is certain. The former champion has reclaimed the throne and everyone in the light heavyweight division has a VERY tall order ahead of them.

The UFC 214 Hype Station

Fight fans have fair reason to be excited for UFC 214. It’s a fairly stacked card featuring a rematch that’s starting to age like a fine wine. Cormier vs Jones is a year overdue, and only time will tell if Cormier can avenge his brutal loss to Jones. Before that we have two additional title defenses , the welterweight belt title bout between champion Tyron Woodley and Demian Maia; and Cris Cyborg and Tonya Evinger fighting for the vacant featherweight belt. Barring any injuries (jinx?) between now and the moment they’re supposed to get into the cage, 214 should be pretty lit.

Main Cards 10PM/7PM ETPT

1.) Jimi Manuwa vs Volkon Oezdemir (Light Heavyweight)

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Source: Getty Images/Zuffa LLC/Josh Hedges

A showcase of LHW talent, Manuwa is currently riding a two-fight win streak. Oezdemir is a relative UFC newcomer with two UFC bouts under his belt (both wins, the last a KO). Manuwa looks fairly good however his two UFC losses were to true top tier talents, Anthony Johnson and Alexander Gustafsson. Both knocked him out and earned performance of the night from him which is a dubious distinction to have. A fight that really can go either way. It will either add another notch to Manuwa’s belt or this will serve as a showcase of Oezdemir’s porfolio.

2.) Robbie Lawler vs Donald Cerone (Welterweight)

Source: Getty Images/UFC

Another showcase but of the welterweight division. Both veteran fighters (Lawler being former welt. champion), this promises to be a damn solid fight. Cerrone is looking to rebound from his KO loss to Jorge Masvidal and Lawler is looking to rebound from losing the Welterweight belt to Tyron Woodly at UFC 201.

3.) Cris Cyborg vs Tonya Evinger (Featherweight Title)

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Source: Getty Images/Josh Hedges/Zuffa LLC/Zuffa LLC via Getty Images

Germaine de Randamie vacated the title refusing to defend the belt to Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Justino, one of the most feared women’s fighters through the years and synonymous with allegation after allegation of steroid use throughout her career. She’s ended careers (Gina Carano anyone?), owned Strikeforce gold, and now is looking to own UFC gold for the first time in her career. Standing in her way is relative UFC newcomer Tonya Evinger, who does have Invicta gold to her name. In theory, this should be Cyborg’s moment. Again, in theory.

4.) Tyron Woodley vs. Demian Maia (Welterweight Title)

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The co-main event sees Woodley defending the title to established veteran Demain Maia. Maia is a dangerous man in his own right as a very skilled BJJ world champion. He’s gone against the best throughout his long career and this may finally be his time to claim the belt for the first time. Woodley, however, is no slouch and is well known for his tremendous speed, power and explosiveness. It’s also hard to ignore the age difference between the two men. Maia may rely on his cunning and experience, but Woodley may prove too powerful for him.

5.) Daniel Cormier vs. Jon Jones (Light Heavyweight Title)

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Source: Getty Images/Josh Hedges/Zuffa LLC/Zuffa LLC via Getty Images

The long awaited rematch to what was a fairly one-sided fight which saw Jones’ hand raised in victory. The result did little to cool the beef between them. That was to be settled at UFC 197, though Cormier pulled from the fight due to injury. The fight was then rescheduled for UFC 200, though that too was cancelled because Jones lost his fucking mind. Promptly after the famous incident where he struck a pregnant woman’s car while in possession of cocaine, Jones was suspended. Free to fight again, many fans are hoping Jones can pick up where he left off: terrorizing the light heavyweight division again.

Barring God knows what, the fight is finally going to go down.

Prelims

FXX 8PM/5PM ETPT

  • Ricardo Lamas vs Jason Knight (145 lb)
  • Aljamin Sterling vs Renan Barao (140 lb)
  • Renato Moicano vs Brian Ortega (145 lb)
  • Andre Fill vs Calvin Kattar (145 lb)

UFC Fight Pass 6:30PM/3:30PM ETPT

  • Kailin Curron vs Alexandra Albu (115 lb)
  • Eric Shelton vs Jarred Brooks (125 lb)
  • Joshua Burkman vs Drew Dober (155 lb)

 

It’s all going down Saturday July 29th at the Honda Center in Anaheim, CA.

Microsoft was to ditch Paint, changes mind

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Pictures like the image above wouldn’t be possible without MS Paint. Ok, that’s not true, but I love using it and I needed an excuse to post pictures I doodle occasionally. However there was brief panic among MS Paint lovers when word spread Microsoft was going to drop support of MS Paint once the fall Creators Update released. However, social media, as it is wont to do, cried out to save the beloved program you typically ignore once you install Photoshop or Gimp or something.

Microsoft went on record to clarify they aren’t killing Paint, and that it’ll still be available for download through the Windows Store. Though they would prefer you went with its successor, Paint3D, which you can download now. It has a different feel than the comfortably spartan MS Paint but in Paint3D’s defense it is a bit fun, if clunky.

Sources: Microsoft, CNBC, The Guardian