At the Movies – Transformers: The Last Knight

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I can’t remember much of Transformers: The Last Knight, and that may be one of the kindest things I can say about the movie. The franchise must have hardcore fans somewhere because Michael Bay keeps being given a job. The Last Knight also earns a distinction for being the worst reviewed film in the franchise, which is a tall order given the dumpster fire that was Revenge of the Fallen. Or Age of Extinction. And to a lesser degree Dark of the Moon, which was kindlier reviewed. Point being, the franchise hasn’t had any highs since it started in 2007.

Optimus Prime is dead in space conveniently hurtling toward Cybertron. Upon landing he is quickly brought back to life and meets the evil Quintessa, who has taken control of Cybertron. Of course Optimus, being the paradigm of good, refuses to bend to her will. She corrupts his spark and makes him the evil Nemesis Prime, complete with a totally rad, evil red scar. Along the way we meet Mark Wahlberg, who insists on calling himself Cade Yeager, who finds himself inexplicably back in the fracas after running into Bumblebee again, essentially the series’ theme-park tour guide through the madness that is Bay’s ongoing arc.

There’s Sir Anthony Hopkins as Sir Edmund Lennox, the naughty old man who introduces the legend of King Arthur and the fact it was Autobots that had given King Arthur the legend of his sword and power he wields in legends. He attempts to guide the young Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock) through her destiny of ending a war between the Autobots and this tremendous threat from space or something. To be honest this is where I began to drift a little.

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I do have a question, why does Michael Bay insist on finding lookalikes to Megan Fox still? Especially if they’ve supposedly settled their beef that started during filming of the original Transformers. I mean they’re slightly different, then there comes scenes where they put on make-up that make them look just like her. Anyway, Vivian discovers she has ties to the Witwicky family line, which makes her powerful for some reason because it turns out the family line is of royal linage. To that point, if the Witwickys are so great, where did Sam go? Are we so mad at Shia LeBouf we can’t even acknowledge him in this shit?

It’s probably not fair I’ve been pooping on the movie to this point. Why don’t they just let Shia have one more go at the series, I mean how much worse could it really get? I did have a great time watching the loads of explosions, especially the extraordinarily extra finale where a planet fell into another planet for what felt like an hour. To that credit, Michael Bay does have a way of making a symphony out of the madness that is the constant explosions.

There’s going to be another film, which really shouldn’t be much of a surprise since they kept making more after Revenge of the Fallen. They have more planned until 2019, with a Bumblebee prequel coming then another full-fledged entry then maybe another. Much like the Marvel films, you’ve either bought into the madness or you’re just as perplexed as me how they keep paying for this shit. To the film’s credit, the special effects and myriad of actions sequences keep this movie somewhat interesting, especially if you get solidly stoned before coming in.

By the way, why the fuck does Michael Bay insist on making these movies three fucking hours long? I fervently believe Transformers would be looked on much kindlier if he could wrap this up in an hour and 45 minutes, tops. Look I’m going to be real, if you keep watching these movies just watch the original The Transformers: The Movie from 1986. It’s so much better.

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Pic source: http://www.transformersmovie.com/gallery

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